WASHINGTON— Following the Vatican's rejection of his application to become Pope, President Donald Trump officially declared himself "Caesar Trumpius Maximus" on Thursday and announced plans to host a gladiator-style UFC championship fight on the White House grounds as part of America's 250th anniversary celebration.
"We're gonna have a UFC fight, think of this, on the grounds of the White House," Trump announced at a packed rally in Des Moines, Iowa. "We have a lot of land there, beautiful land, probably the most beautiful land in Washington, and Dana's going to do it—championship fight, full fight, like 20, 25,000 people. We will build a Roman-style colosseum to house everyone. Nobody's done a better job with colosseums than me, believe me."
The announcement came just hours after Cardinal Pietro Parolin personally delivered the Vatican's response to Trump's papal application, which sources say included a 47-page dossier of the candidate's "moral qualifications" and a business plan for monetizing communion wafers.
"The Pope job would have been tremendous, one of a kind, but they went with somebody else," Trump said, adjusting his newly commissioned golden laurel wreath. "So I figured, why not Caesar? I've basically been Caesar this whole time anyway. The Romans, they had the right idea about leadership—total authority, tremendous parades, and the best entertainment like never before."
White House insiders report that to complete the authentic Caesar experience, Trump will be fanned and fed grapes during the gladiatorial combat by select senior Republican Congressional members, with House Speaker Mike Johnson reportedly assigned to peeling duties.
"It's an honor to serve Caesar Trumpius in whatever capacity he deems necessary," Johnson said while practicing his grape-feeding technique on a Mar-a-Lago mannequin. "If our founding fathers could see us now, they'd probably want grapes too."
The post-fight celebration will feature what Trump calls "the most incredible dinner you've ever seen," headlined by Caesar Trump Chicken Salad—a traditional Caesar salad topped with chicken from KFC, minus the romaine lettuce.
"The lettuce, it's not necessary," Trump explained. "We've got the best chicken, the best croutons, probably the best salad in the history of salads. The Romans never had KFC, so we're already winning."
The evening's entertainment will conclude with a private event featuring captured Congressional Democrats forced to face Trump's prized lion, Tarifficus Maximus, acquired from a bankrupt circus in Ohio.
However, a White House groundskeeper who spoke on condition of anonymity expressed doubts about the lion's combat effectiveness. "Like his owner, Tarifficus has developed an insatiable appetite for KFC," the source revealed. "He always eats KFC, sometimes some McDonald's, and lays around all day watching lion shows on the National Geographic channel. He's the laziest creature I've ever seen."
The groundskeeper added that Tarifficus recently failed to catch a White House intern who tripped while carrying a bucket of chicken wings, instead choosing to wait patiently for the wings to be served in his custom golden food bowl.
Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle confirmed that several agents have privately expressed concerns about providing adequate security for the unprecedented event. "We're exploring all options," Cheatle stated, "including the emergency deputization of January 6th attendees, who have already demonstrated their enthusiasm for protecting democracy through unconventional means."
The announcement has drawn swift criticism from historians and constitutional scholars, with Georgetown University's Dr. Michael Beschloss noting that "the last time someone declared themselves Caesar in America, it was during a elementary school play, and even then the kid had to audition."
Trump dismissed such criticism during a follow-up interview, conducted while he practiced his imperial wave from the Truman Balcony. "The historians, they don't know what they're talking about," he said. "I've read more about Caesar than anybody. Tremendous guy, very successful, had the best empire. We're going to have an even better empire, with better ratings."
The UFC championship fight is scheduled for July 4, 2026, with construction of the White House Colosseum set to begin immediately following the demolition of the Rose Garden, which Trump described as "not Roman enough."
The Daily Howitzer will continue reporting as this story develops and as more Republicans volunteer for grape-feeding duties.