QUANTICO, VA — In what observers are calling "a masterclass in authoritarian management techniques," Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth delivered a rousing address to senior military leadership this week that had despots around the globe taking notes and nodding approvingly.
The meeting, which featured President Trump encouraging applause while simultaneously threatening attendees' careers if they didn't clap enthusiastically enough, has been described by one anonymous general as "like a performance review conducted by someone who just watched every Bond villain monologue back-to-back."
Hegseth opened strong by immediately body-shaming the very people responsible for national defense. "Fat generals and admirals," he proclaimed, apparently having confused the Pentagon with a Planet Fitness orientation. The Defense Secretary then announced that all fitness tests would be held to "male standards," because nothing says "military readiness" quite like arbitrary gender-based metrics that would make your HR department weep.
But the pièce de résistance came when Hegseth suggested that if his words were making hearts sink, those officers should "do the honorable thing and resign." North Korea's Kim Jong-un was reportedly so moved by this management technique that he immediately texted his staff: "Why didn't I think of the 'honorable resignation' angle? I've been going straight to the anti-aircraft guns like a chump."
President Trump, not to be outdone in the intimidation Olympics, helpfully clarified the stakes for any would-be dissenters. "If you don't like what I'm saying, you can leave the room," he told the assembled military brass, adding with the subtlety of a foghorn, "of course, there goes your rank, there goes your future."
Sources report that several generals were seen frantically Googling "what is a hostile work environment" on their phones under the table.
The President also floated the innovative idea of using U.S. cities as military training grounds, because apparently, the nation's infrastructure budget wasn't suffering enough already. He topped off the address by referring to certain domestic groups as the "enemy within," a phrase that had Vladimir Putin literally calling his speechwriter to ask why he didn't use it first.
In perhaps the most unsettling moment of an already unsettling event, Trump also made references to nuclear weapons—or as he called them, "the N-word"—with the casual tone of someone discussing a golf handicap rather than civilization-ending arsenals. Military strategists in the room reportedly experienced what one described as "the kind of existential dread usually reserved for horror movies where the call is coming from inside the house."
"When the Commander-in-Chief refers to nuclear weapons as 'the N-word' like he's afraid to say 'nuclear' in polite company, it really makes you wonder what other vocabulary challenges we're dealing with," noted Dr. Eleanor Fowler, professor of military history at Georgetown University. "Does he refer to aircraft carriers as the ‘A-word’? Or the submarines, the ‘S-word’? This is the person with the launch codes, people."
International Reaction Swift and Envious
The global authoritarian community has been buzzing with excitement over the Pentagon display.
"This is exactly what I've been trying to tell Xi," gushed Putin during a Kremlin press conference, where attendance is mandatory and enthusiasm is monitored. "You don't need to be so subtle all the time. Just tell them their hearts should sink! It's refreshing, really. Very direct. I'm sending my generals a memo about this immediately—those who are still alive, anyway."
China's Xi Jinping released a statement through state media expressing his "deep admiration for the American commitment to ideological purity in the military," adding that he was "taking notes" on the fitness test innovation. "We've been doing political loyalty tests for years, but adding push-ups? Genius. It's like we've been playing checkers while America's playing 4D chess."
Venezuela's Nicolás Maduro was perhaps most effusive in his praise, calling the meeting "a beautiful thing" and "proof that American democracy is finally reaching its full potential." He was later seen wiping away a tear while watching clips of the address. "They grow up so fast," he said wistfully.
Even Kim Jong-un, typically reserved in his public praise of Western leaders, couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "The combination of public humiliation, career threats, and enforced applause? Chef's kiss," he said through a translator. "Though I would have added more medals to the uniform. You can never have too many medals. Also, I'm curious about this 'woke' enemy. Is it a rival nation? An insurgent group? Can we bomb it?"
Military Historians Baffled
Dr. Whitmore expressed confusion about the new approach. "Traditionally, we've found that the most effective military leaders inspire loyalty through competence, respect, and shared sacrifice," she noted. "Threatening people's livelihoods while demanding blind obedience is more of a... let's call it a 'niche strategy' historically employed by regimes that don't typically make it into the 'good guys' column of history books."
When asked about the "male standards" fitness test announcement, Dr. Whitmore simply put her head in her hands and whispered, "We have women flying F-35s, but sure, let's measure readiness by how many pull-ups someone can do."
Pentagon Response
The Pentagon initially declined to comment, though several officials were spotted updating their LinkedIn profiles and reaching out to defense contractors about "potential opportunities in the private sector."
One four-star general, speaking on condition of anonymity because they enjoy having both anonymity and stars, said the meeting had been "very informative" in the same tone one might use to describe a dental procedure. "I learned a lot about what happens when you mix Red Bull, a thesaurus opened to 'T' for 'totalitarian,' and a complete disregard for the Uniform Code of Military Justice."
At press time, Putin was reportedly already planning a "Trump-Hegseth Style Management Seminar" for Russian military leadership. Attendance would be voluntary, in the same way that "volunteering" to jump out of an airplane is voluntary once you're already falling.