PHILADELPHIA - In a move that has left everyone confused and no one satisfied, the University of Pennsylvania announced Tuesday it would strip transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of their women's swimming records while simultaneously launching what sources describe as a "surreptitious transgender athletic division" where Thomas will retroactively hold every possible swimming record.
The voluntary agreement with the U.S. Education Department requires Penn to modify Thomas's three school records and issue an apology to female athletes who were "disadvantaged" by their participation. However, sources close to the athletic department report that university officials have been working overtime to develop what they're calling "Division T" - a parallel athletic universe where Thomas can collect medals like Pokémon cards.
"We're really pioneering uncharted territory here," said an anonymous Penn administrator while nervously adjusting his tie. "Lia will simultaneously not hold any women's records while also holding literally every record in our new division. It's Schrödinger's Swimming Championship."
The clandestine division reportedly operates under a complex point system where Thomas receives gold, silver, and bronze medals for each event, since they would theoretically compete against themselves in different time zones. Athletic Director Madie Upton confirmed that recruitment efforts are already underway.
"We're hoping to expand from a division of one to maybe a division of three by 2026," Upton explained. "We've got our eye on a promising butterfly swimmer from Delaware and someone who does really excellent cannonballs."
The new division will feature innovative competition formats, including "Time Trial Tuesdays" where athletes compete against their own previous times, and "Hypothetical Thursdays" where swimmers race against computer simulations of what they might have swum if conditions were different.
Critics have called the plan "bureaucratic gymnastics at Olympic levels," while supporters praise Penn for "thinking outside the pool."
In a related development, Thomas has reportedly secured a lucrative sponsorship deal with deodorant manufacturer Secret, which has developed an entirely new product line specifically for the transgender athletic market. The "Goldilocks Formula" line will feature the slogan "Not strong enough for men, too strong for women, just right for trans" and will be available in scents like "Perfectly Balanced," "Right in the Middle," and "Sweet Spot Citrus."
Secret's marketing team is said to be thrilled with the partnership. "We've been looking for ways to expand our market share beyond the traditional binary deodorant demographic," said Secret spokesperson Anita Perspirante. "Lia represents the perfect brand ambassador for a product that's literally designed to exist in that perfect middle ground."
The Goldilocks Formula reportedly underwent three years of intensive research and development, with focus groups testing various strength levels until they found what one researcher described as "the deodorant equivalent of lukewarm porridge."
Thomas will appear in upcoming commercials where they’ll be shown swimming laps while voice-over explains how regular deodorants just don't understand their unique needs. The tagline: "Secret: Because life's complicated enough."
Not to be outdone, hair products manufacturer Goldie Locks has jumped on the sponsorship bandwagon, announcing a co-branding campaign with Secret to also sponsor Thomas. The timing couldn't be more perfect, according to Goldie Locks executive Harry Carey.
"All those chemicals in the pools are certain to cause damage to athletes' hair," Carey explained while gesturing dramatically at a PowerPoint presentation titled "The Chlorine Crisis." "And our products are very effective against such damage. Plus, when you think about it, who better to represent a brand called 'Goldie Locks' than someone navigating the 'just right' zone?"
The dual sponsorship deal creates what industry insiders are calling an unprecedented "personal care ecosystem." Thomas will reportedly use Secret's Goldilocks Formula deodorant while maintaining their locks with Goldie Locks' new "Pool-Proof Perfection" line, which promises to keep hair "not too damaged, not too pristine, but just right for competitive swimming."
Marketing executives from both companies are said to be ecstatic about the synergy. "It's like the universe aligned," said Secret's Anita Perspirante. "We've got Goldilocks deodorant and Goldie Locks hair care. The branding practically writes itself."
All of this is a win-win-win for Thomas, who now has both their perspiration and follicle situations professionally managed.
Thomas could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly busy practicing for their upcoming race against their own shadow in the 200-meter freestyle while testing prototype deodorant formulations.
The Division T inaugural championships, sponsored by Secret's Goldilocks Formula, are scheduled for February 29th, 2026, at a location to be determined.