Washington, D.C. - Tech mogul Elon Musk is reportedly recovering from multiple stab wounds after what sources describe as a "bloody betrayal" at the White House. The incident occurred during a private meeting with President Trump to discuss upcoming legislation that would eliminate tax credits for Tesla solar customers and electric vehicles - a move that could devastate Musk's business empire despite his $288 million donation to Trump's 2024 campaign.
A White House immigrant housekeeper, who requested anonymity for fear of deportation, provided the first eyewitness account of the grisly scene. "I saw blood on the walls and thought President Trump had another ketchup-throwing episode," she said in broken English. "Then I saw Mr. Elon - he had two knives in his back, and blood was squirting everywhere on the wall. That's when I saw Mr. Elon take out his phone and say something about telling everybody about Epstein - but I don't know that guy."
According to inside sources, Musk was summoned to the Oval Office for what he believed would be a routine meeting with his former political ally. The discussion proceeded normally until the conclusion, when Trump reportedly opened his arms as if to embrace Musk, only to plunge two reverse-angled serrated steak knives into his back.
The weapons were allegedly prototypes from Trump's failed steak venture - custom-designed knives that were meant to complement Trump Steaks before the business collapsed. "Trump should have gone into the knife business instead of steaks," remarked one of the attending physicians. "Want to talk about meat-shredding capability? We had to carefully cut through additional tissue along the serrated edges to remove the utensils without causing more catastrophic damage."
A White House aide reportedly attempted to remove one of the knives but was forced to stop due to the extensive damage being caused. Medical staff confirmed that while Musk is expected to recover, significant scarring is inevitable.
"We've never seen damage like this from steak knives," said Dr. Patricia Williams, who treated Musk's wounds. "The reverse serration created a complex wound pattern that required microsurgery to repair. We're confident he'll make a full recovery, but this will leave permanent marks."
When reached for comment, President Trump would only say that "big things" are coming and that reporters would have to "wait and see what happens." He declined to elaborate on the nature of his relationship with Musk moving forward.
Musk, for his part, refused to provide a statement to traditional media outlets, saying through a spokesperson that if he has anything to say about the incident, it will be shared exclusively on his X platform.
The proposed legislation eliminating renewable energy tax credits is expected to be introduced in Congress next week, with Trump calling it a "beautiful bill that will save taxpayers billions while promoting fair competition across the energy sector."
The Daily Howe-itzer will continue to monitor this developing story and provide updates as they become available.
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