TALLAHASSEE, FL - In what Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche described as a "very productive" six-hour meeting with convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, sources report the former Trump personal attorney emerged from the federal prison carrying what appeared to be a white cardboard box labeled "DEFINITELY NOT EVIDENCE" in black Sharpie.
The pressure on the Trump administration to release Jeffrey Epstein files has intensified after the president's campaign trail promises met the harsh reality of his name appearing "multiple times" in DOJ investigative documents, according to sources familiar with Attorney General Pam Bondi's May briefing to Trump.
"We all know that, as the president said before, any truths tying him to the Epstein files is Fake News," Blanche told reporters after his marathon session with Maxwell. He seemed to be channeling Trump's recent Truth Social post where the president declared that "Crooked Hillary, Obama, Comey, Brennan, and the Losers and Criminals of the Biden Administration" had somehow "created the Epstein Files, just like they created the FAKE Hillary Clinton/Christopher Steele Dossier."
When pressed by The Daily Howe-itzer about the administration's shifting narrative on Epstein transparency, Blanche appeared to channel his inner Abraham Lincoln: "We hold these truths—or any truths that might expose President Trump—to be FAKE NEWS, a HOAX, and a Scam, and we intend to keep it that way."
A Tale of Two Stories
The meeting has become a political he-said-she-said worthy of a reality TV show. While Blanche claimed Tuesday that Attorney General Bondi had directed him to reach out to Maxwell, ABC News reported from "sources" that Maxwell had initiated the contact herself.
This discrepancy prompted Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer to issue a scathing statement: "Sending Donald Trump's personal lawyer, Todd Blanche, to interview Ghislaine Maxwell while she's in prison—a woman who's been convicted of abusing people—to offer some kind of corrupt deal so that she can exonerate Donald Trump just stinks of high corruption."
Maxwell's attorney pushed back on Schumer's characterization, telling The Daily Howe-itzer that he "didn't smell anything particularly stinky during the meetings, unless one finds the smell of attorneys wearing English Leather and Brut cologne obnoxious." He described the sessions as "very productive," noting that his client "answered every single question" without invoking any privileges. Translation: Maxwell sang like a canary at a karaoke bar.
The Mystery Box Deepens
Perhaps most intriguing was the mysterious white box that Blanche was observed carrying as he left the federal prison. While prison officials declined to comment on the contents, The Daily Howe-itzer's crack investigative team (Jerry from accounting) suspects it may contain Maxwell's prison commissary purchases, possibly including stress-relief items like coloring books—because nobody gets coloring books in federal prison unless something major is going down.
Maxwell's attorney did not immediately return The Daily Howe-itzer's request for comment, probably because we may have accidentally called a pizza place instead.
Congressional Chaos Continues
Meanwhile, the House Oversight Committee has voted 8-2 to subpoena both Maxwell and the DOJ for Epstein files, with three Republicans joining Democrats in what can only be described as political chaos. The committee has also subpoenaed Maxwell herself for an August 11 prison deposition, marking her first congressional testimony.
Speaker Mike Johnson's attempts to prevent Epstein-related votes by sending House members home early for August recess have backfired spectacularly, with his own Rules Committee members in open revolt.
Bottom Line Up Front
The Trump administration's handling of Epstein files has evolved from campaign promises of transparency to claims that no relevant information exists—all while sending the Deputy Attorney General for secret prison meetings with Jeffrey Epstein's convicted accomplice.
Whether Blanche's mysterious box contains evidence, commissary snacks, or just really good prison coffee remains to be seen. What's certain is that this story has more plot twists than a soap opera, and about as much credibility as a politician's campaign promises.
The Daily Howe-itzer will continue following this story as it develops, assuming we can figure out how to work the new coffee machine in the break room.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a work of satire. While based on real events and people, the quotes, scenarios, and "mysterious box" details are fictional and intended for comedic purposes. For actual news about these events, please consult legitimate news sources.