WASHINGTON, DC - In a shocking development that has rocked the political establishment, newly obtained security footage reveals former White House Executive Gardener Roger LaPlante allegedly tampering with sensitive government documents in what experts are calling "the most bizarre scandal since Watergate's rose garden incident."
The security video, obtained exclusively by The Daily Howe-itzer, shows LaPlante—who served as Executive White House Gardener during the Obama administration before pivoting to a lucrative career selling Errors and Omissions insurance to Washington politicians—methodically inserting President Donald Trump's name throughout the controversial Epstein files.
LaPlante's tumultuous career trajectory reads like a political soap opera. After being unceremoniously dismissed by Trump during his first term with the now-famous words "You're Fired!" (a phrase Trump reportedly practiced 47 times in the mirror that morning), LaPlante was subsequently rehired by President Biden, only to face the axe once again when Trump returned to office.
The security breach was discovered after Trump mentioned during a diplomatic meeting in Turnberry, Scotland, with UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer that something "tremendously phony—maybe the phoniest thing ever, people are saying" might have been planted in the files. This prompted a Chief Security Officer to review surveillance footage from Attorney General Pam Bondi's office, where the documents were housed.
The smoking gun footage shows LaPlante in Bondi's office ostensibly discussing E&O insurance coverage—a product increasingly popular among Washington officials who, according to industry experts, face occupational hazards related to "accidental misstatements" and "selective memory regarding alternative facts."
The crucial moment occurs when Bondi steps out to take what sources describe as a "confidential call about her upcoming appearance on 'The Real Attorneys General of D.C.'" At that precise moment, LaPlante springs into action with what the security officer describes as "professional-grade name-planting techniques."
"He planted President Trump's name in multiple locations all throughout that file," reported the officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity.
When confronted about his actions during his arrest, LaPlante displayed remarkable composure, responding in what investigators described as "an eerily insurance-commercial-like tone."
"When you're an Executive Gardener, that's what you do—you plant things," LaPlante stated nonchalantly. After a pause, he added, "It's so easy a caveman… I mean, a caveman actually taught me how to do it."
However, when Daily Howe-itzer staff reporter Greg Conalie contacted him for comment, the caveman emphatically denied involvement in LaPlante's alleged document tampering activities.
"I only do plants, Gary," the caveman stated emphatically. "Plants and the occasional insurance commercial. I don’t do evidence!"
In an unprecedented move, LaPlante was taken into custody by ICE, despite being a natural-born U.S. citizen. The Trump Administration has declared him "the worst scum on earth" and is exploring retroactive citizenship cancellation.
Initial deportation plans targeting France, the ancestral homeland of the LaPlante family, hit a bureaucratic snag when officials discovered no existing deportation treaties for U.S. citizens. "Apparently, the Founding Fathers never anticipated we'd need to deport our own people to other countries," lamented Deputy Deportation Director Stan Exiley.
At press time, The Daily Howe-itzer learned that emergency negotiations are underway with Ireland to arrange LaPlante's exile, where he would reportedly room with expatriate celebrity Rosie O'Donnell in what administration sources describe as "a degenerate kind of punishment befitting the crime."
The White House Press Secretary declined to comment, stating only that "the President is focused on more important matters, like eliminating tariffs on spray tan and golf equipment."
This story is developing. The Daily Howe-itzer will continue to provide coverage as more details emerge from this unprecedented intersection of horticulture, insurance sales, and international intrigue.
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