WASHINGTON — In a move that has left military analysts more bewildered than a bartender at last call, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth fired Lt. Gen. Jeffery Kruse this week after the intelligence chief dared to suggest that blowing up Iran's nuclear facilities might require actually blowing them up.
Kruse's cardinal sin? His agency concluded that recent U.S. strikes had only set back Iran's nuclear program by a few months—a finding that apparently heated up President Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu faster than a moonshine still.
"Jeffery was being a real buzzkill," said one Pentagon source, speaking on condition of anonymity because discussing Hegseth's decision-making process requires taking a couple shots first. "He kept insisting on things like 'evidence' and 'actual damage assessments.' Just really trivial stuff, you know?"
The firing caps off what sources describe as the most chaotic shake-up in military leadership since someone suggested Hegseth switch to light beer.
At a press conference that one reporter described as "spectacular in its incoherence," Hegseth defended the Iran mission using what can only be described as the Pentagon's first-ever happy hour briefing.
"Listen up, fake news media," Hegseth slurred—er, declared—while gesturing wildly with what appeared to be a coffee mug. "You people don't understand military operations any better than you understand proper drinking etiquette. In any respectable establishment, you gotta account for your shots properly!"
The Defense Secretary then launched into an explanation that left seasoned journalists wondering if they'd accidentally wandered into a dive bar at 2 AM.
"I saw those Iranians stumbling out of their bunkers like it was last call at the Last Call Bar," Pegseth continued, his eyes gleaming with the fervor of a man who's found the perfect metaphor and won't let it go. "Some of them looked as dead as I felt after that rager I threw the last time we bombed the Houthi’s. Now that was a party!"
When CNN's Jim Acosta pressed for actual evidence of nuclear facility damage, Hegseth pivoted to what he called his "empty bottle theory."
"Simple math, Jim-boy," Hegseth grinned. "Our bombers came back empty—just like the bottles after one of my legendary Pentagon parties. You can't have that many empties without serving some seriously devastating shots!"
Pentagon spokesperson Admiral Lisa Franchetti later attempted damage control, explaining that "the Secretary's beverage-related analogies should be understood in the context of... well, we're still working on that part."
Sources close to Kruse report the general spent his final day cleaning out his office while muttering things like "I went to West Point for this?" and "Maybe McDonald's is hiring."
The intelligence community has reportedly responded to Kruse's firing by updating their résumés and researching whether other countries need competent military analysts. Several have allegedly begun practicing explanations for why their previous employer insisted on measuring military success in "shots per minute."
Meanwhile, Hegseth has reportedly been spotted at various D.C. watering holes, offering unsolicited military advice to anyone willing to listen and occasionally challenging patrons to arm-wrestling contests to "test their readiness for combat."
When asked about Kruse's replacement, Hegseth winked and said he was looking for someone who "knows how to handle their liquor and their intelligence reports—preferably in that order."
The White House has announced that future military briefings will include a two-drink minimum and mandatory designated National Guard drivers for all attendees.
The Daily Howe-itzer: Where the news hits harder than Hegseth’s morning hangover.
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